12 years later

 It’s been twelve years tomorrow since Joe had his heart attack. Twelve years since I heard his voice.  My life has certainly changed in that time. I’ve remarried, had two more children. And I’ve most certainly aged! 

 I have been struggling the last few months and couldn’t really put a finger on why it’s been hard again until I started writing this post. He’s been gone now longer than we were married. My children have all been without him longer than they had him. Our children are almost grown. Our oldest Taylor (26) is married and Madi (22) is in a serious relationship and in college.  Melyssa (18) is out of high school, working and trying to decide what she wants to do with her life.  Tori (16) is a junior in high school, her personality is so different than when Joe was with us. Jonny (15) is a sophomore, he will be getting his license in January. He is 6’2, he looks and acts more like his dad than ever. 

He has missed so much! They have missed so much! I hurt for him and for them. It hasn’t been easy, that is for sure. I’ve tried to keep his memory alive for our kids. For the youngest three, that’s all they have, stories I’ve told them along the way. The older two remember him and honestly, I’m not sure which is worse. It’s harder to miss what you don’t remember having. Yet, not having any memories is also hard. 

God has been faithful, He has held me up when I thought I couldn’t go on. I couldn’t have done this life without knowing God was always there, just a whisper away. 

Years ago

Four years...

Four years... It's amazing what all happens in four years time. People come into your life, others who you thought would always be there, walk away.  There are days where you're so happy you think your heart will burst, and days when you feel as though your heart has been ripped from your chest. 

Children grow up. They leave babyhood and enter adolescence, leave adolescence and go right into young adult. I've watched as they started kindergarten and another finished high school and headed off to college. 

Four years is a short time but it's also a very long time.  

Thinking of you today.  Going to hug the kids a little longer and a little tighter. Wish you could see them now! 

Titles

How do you refer to yourself after you are widowed?  Do you call yourself his wife, his widow? The survivor?  And how do you refer to him? Your husband, your late husband?  I struggled with what to call myself for a while. I hated the word "widow" and yet I wasn't his wife anymore, that was "till death do us part", so who am I?

I still struggle with what to call him.  My late husband? He was always on time, I was the late one.  ?  Umm NO.  Husband? Well again, that was until death do we part.  EX husband? No! Someone once referred to him that way while speaking to me and I thought I was going to lose it! Or I could call him "the kids' dad" but then it seems like he and I were never married. It is strange the way our minds cling to one thing and turn it into something BIG. 
After four  years, I still call him my husband and then I catch myself and call him "my first husband" and then think that maybe people will think we were divorced, so I then feel the need to explain.  It's hard to know how to refer to him. 

I still hate the word "widow".  When I think of a widow I think of someone who is way older than I am.  I am 37, I should not be a widow yet. 

Hospitals (Old post I just published)

I hate going to hospitals now.  I never found it to be great fun before, but now it really stresses me.  My Grandfather is currently in the hospital and while I love to be there to see him and spend time with my Grandmother and other family members; it brings back so many hard memories.  It's not the same hospital, but the sounds, sights and smells are all the same.  If I could I would never step in another hospital, but obviously that is not possible. 

So what do you do when you find yourself in a situation that brings memories rushing back?  You brace yourself and let it come. You give yourself permission to cry for a bit and then you dry your eyes and get back to the business of living.  We can't just give up and let life pass us by.  We have to keep going.

Warning: this is a rambling of thoughts!!!

Today I completed my last task as Joe's widow.  We are coming up on four years and until today my checking account still had his name on it. My name was still Mabrey on it.  I couldn't bring myself to take them his death certificate until a few months ago. Even after they had it I wasn't ready to take him off the account.  I wanted to keep him connected to it.  I'm not sure if it was such a big deal to me just because it was the very last thing I had to do or what.

 Today I walked into the bank to do something completely different and while I was there they told me they needed my signature to remove him.  I was out of time.  I stood there and had tears rolling down my face while I signed my new name removing him from the account we shared.  I thank the ladies there for being so kind to me while I made a utter fool of myself.

Who knew what an emotional attachment we could have to an account. :-) Its been a very emotional day for me.  Actually it's been an emotional week, month even.  Early this month I found myself driving the same route I took the day Joe had his heart attack and drove right by the hospital.  It was hard, I was remembering talking to my sister on the phone on the way there.  We were discussing possibilities of what could have happened (all I knew was there had been an "incident") so we were thinking someone may have hit him. Or perhaps he got caught in the truck.  Any number of things. Never dreaming he'd had a heart attack. I was thinking all these things and doing a bit of crying while remembering.

Wednesday my step-dad had a heart attack and was rushed to the hospital.  I went there to be with my mom, again unsure of what I was walking into.  We weren't sure at the time if it was an actual heart attack or what.  I walked in his room to hear that not only did he have a heart attack, but he flat-lined in the ER. They shocked him and got his heart beating again. They rushed him to the cath lab where they put a stint in his heart.   I lost it and was sobbing.  It was so surreal, like being in the ER with Joe all over again.  I spent the night with my mom.  The next day the doctor came in and informed us that 30 minutes later and dad wouldn't have made it.  He told us that not only did he flat-line in the ER but again on the table while they were putting the stint in.

This has been so rough on all of us.  I know this isn't about me at all, but I'm reliving times with doctors in the hospital with Joe and I can't help but ask, why. Why can they save some heart attack patients but not others.  Why was he taken from us at 41? Why are his children growing up without him? 

I sit here and write this all the while hearing those words in my head "life is for the living". Joe is in a better place. He's made it, he finished his race. His time had come and God called him home. We aren't promised tomorrow. I think all these things with tears flowing down my face. 

It's been four years this month since Joe had his heart attack and I miss him fiercely.  I have been able to move on. I am remarried and have a new beautiful baby boy. But that doesn't diminish my love, or feelings of loss and grief for Joe.  There are days I want to give up, there are days I feel like there is a knot in the center of my chest and a constant burning behind my eyes.  But there are also days of extreme happiness, where I think how lucky I am to get a second chance at life.

Remember friend, grief is like the ocean.  It comes in waves, some waves just run across your feet and some knock you flat with no warning. We still need to enjoy the small ones and just know a big one could be on the way.

Madelynn's birthday

Today is my daughter Madelynn's birthday.  She is 13 years old and is turning into such a beautiful young lady.  I am recalling the day of her birth.  Inevitably, I am thinking of her daddy today as well.  Is he watching her from heaven and seeing how wonderful she is?  I am reminded of how he looked, standing by my head in the seconds after her delivery. I'd never seen him cry before that day.  Tears welled in his eyes and rolled down his cheeks as he held out shaky hands to hold his daughter for the first time.  Madelynn was Joe's first biological child.  As much as he treated Taylor like his own, there is something different about being there at birth and watching your child take her first breath.  There is something different, you know that this child truly is yours, bone of your bone, flesh of your flesh.  Joe was so proud that day.  I had a hard time getting him to hand Maddie over to me.  The doctor had handed her straight to Joe and from that moment they had a bond like none I'd ever seen before or since. 
We brought Maddie home the day after she was born, she was perfect at 6lb, 0oz.  She was smaller than Taylor had been and I was surprisingly nervous with her.  Joe had no such issues.  He held her, changed her diapers, burped her after she nursed.  Changed her clothes and was able to swaddle her in her blankets like he'd been doing it for years.  Maddie was a screamer.  She would scream for HOURS.  Nothing I did calmed her.  I walked the floor with her for hours at a time and as soon as Joe walked in and she heard his voice she was instantly calm.  He would take her from me and she was suddenly the happiest baby around.  Maddie was a daddies girl through and through! From the day that Maddie was born till the day that Joe went into the hospital their bond was unchanged.  Maddie would get sick and want daddy, happy and want daddy, sad, scared, mad you name it, she wanted her dad.

I've been thinking about that today.  And it makes me sad for Maddie because her daddy isn't here with her. I find myself fighting the feeling of bitterness because of how unfair life has been for my children.  I am angry all over again, but so very sad at the same time.  It's amazing how many emotions fight for control.  And  then I hear my Grandma's voice in my head telling me that the emotion that will win is the one that you pay the most attention to.  So, I'm going to give heed to my feeling of gratitude.  Yeah, in all this mess I still have that.

 I am so very grateful that my children had such a good daddy.  They didn't have an abusive father.  Their daddy loved them so very much and what's more is they knew it.  I am grateful for the time they did get with him.  I wish they could have had more time, but I know they could very well have had less.  I am grateful that my children didn't have to watch their daddy suffer with cancer or a long painful illness.  I am grateful that he didn't die due to a drunk driver which would have given them motive to be angry at someone.  I have a lot to be grateful for and today those are the things I am going to think about.

Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things. (Philippians 4:8 NIV)

Sometimes a song says it all...

I love this song.  I've heard it before but never really listened to the words closely. I heard it again last night after a talk with Taylor about Joe. I was telling her that he would want us to know that he was ok.  Sign from above...maybe... I don't know, but it made me feel good.
Wish you were here

Godly Woman Daily: 5 " Finger Prayer " - Author Unknown - This is bea...

I saw this and loved it and just had to share!



Godly Woman Daily: 5 " Finger Prayer " - Author Unknown - This is bea...: 5 " Finger Prayer "  This is beautiful – and it is surely worth making the 5 finger prayer a part of our lives. 1. Your thu...

Anniversary of the day...

 

 

 

 

Meet my children...

This is Taylor.  She is my oldest child, currently a senior in high school. She plans on going to school to be a nurse.  She has been an easy child to raise and I am sure that I have been spoiled by that.  Taylor sings and plays the piano at church for youth services.  I love watching the Lord work in her life.

This is Madelynn.  She is my second child.  She is most like me.  She is a basketball player, loves to read and wears her heart right on her sleeve! Not sure what she is going to be when she grows up but I'm excited to see what the Lord does in her life.

This little girl is Melyssa.  She is my third child. She loves to be active. You can't keep her still very long at all. 

This is Victoria, we call her Tori. She is the fourth girl in our family.  She is hilarious!! I think God gave me her for entertainment!! You just never know what she is going to say!  I could write a book with all the things she says!!!

And this is Jonny.  The baby of the family and the only boy.  He is the sweetest boy I've ever met.  I may be a tad bias though.  He has this momma wrapped around his little finger, and he knows it!!!

 

These are my reasons for going on with life.  My reasons for making the most of every single day. 



 

For this child I prayed; and the LORD hath given me my petition which I asked of him:

1 Samuel 1:27

Two years have passed...

Tomorrow will be two years to the day that Joe made his journey to be with Jesus.  I have had some bad days leading up to this anniversary. September 29th was especially difficult for me, that being the anniversary of his heart attack.  I have kept most of my bad days to myself because I feel that people look at me differently now that I am remarried.  FYI being remarried does not take away the pain of being widowed. I will never not be Joe's widow. 

So...tomorrow is another anniversary and so I am bracing myself for the emotions that are sure to come.  I will spend a lot of tomorrow thinking about Joe and I will be sad for my children; for the time they missed with him.  For the future they didn't get with him.  I will give myself the day to be sad. I wont try to stop the feelings of hurt, sadness and even anger. It is when we put a lid on our emotions that they get stronger and stronger until they are finally pressurized enough to overwhelm us. So I will roll with the emotional tide and know that this too shall pass. 

I don't think of this as planning to have a bad day or planning on being sad, I know that it will happen and I'm not going to pretend otherwise.  There is nothing wrong with grieving.  Even the Bible tells us this "Seeing the crowds, he went up on the mountain, and when he sat down, his disciples came to him. And he opened his mouth and taught them, saying: “Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. “Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.".

So with this knowledge, I can face tomorrow. 

Feeling good again...

I have had feelings of anger for so long now I forgot what it was like to not be angry.  I would pray about it and  feel a little better but it just wouldn't go away completely.  I would have dreams where Joe was yelling at me for moving on. The worst one was at Christmas where I dreamt that we were all sitting around our Christmas tree and there was a knock on the door and it was Joe asking what was going on. He had apparently been away working or something.  In my dream it was not like he was dead.  He was mad and wanted to be with the kids, wanted to be with me, didn't understand why I was not home and why on earth we were with JW. 

Last week was Joe's birthday.  He would have been 43 this year.  The week leading up to his birthday was a tough one for me and Taylor.  The rest of the kids didn't know that his birthday was coming.  I didn't point it out because I didnt want to upset them.  Taylor and I however, we knew and we spent a lot of time thinking about him and it was just hard.  I took a nap one day while the kids were at school and I had a dream about Joe, the first one since the Christmas one.  In my dream I never really saw Joe, it was more like I "felt" his presence.  He said nothing to me, I said nothing to him.  But there was such peace and joy in this presence.  I felt a happiness bubbling up inside of me, I felt warmth like the sun shining down on me.  All the feelings I felt are hard to describe, but when I woke up I felt like a new woman.  I felt like things were finally ok.  I haven't cried since that day.  I haven't felt like part of me was missing.  I haven't been walking around and suddenly felt like I was punched in the stomach when I remembered that he was gone. 

I think it was our good-bye.  Joe was letting me know that he was at peace and full of joy.  He was letting me know that it was okay to be okay.  Not just okay for the kids, okay for my family and friends, but a deep down, honest to goodness, OKAY.  I didn't cry on his birthday. I thought about him and mentally wished him a happy birthday and that was enough.  I didn't feel like I should be doing more.  I didn't feel any sadness!!! And that feels more than okay!

LIFE IS FOR THE LIVING!!!!

Time goes by....

This year has flown by so quickly I feel as though we didn't have time to take a breath at times.  I can't believe that it's been over a year already.

A lot has changed in the past year.  We have made it successfully through our "year of firsts".  For that I am forever greatful.  There were days I didn't know if I was going to make it.  There were days I wished I wouldn't.  My children have grown and changed so much in this year.  And we have all learned that life truly is for the living. 

I wasn't going to post on here anymore because of some of the changes that have happened in my life as of late.  However after thinking on it, I was going to stop posting because I felt like I should feel guilty for moving on.  Then I realized that I have nothing to feel guilty about.  Some people may not understand or approve of my decisions, but they are just that, my decisions. 

Now I think that maybe someone reading about my decisions will feel empowered to make some decisions in their lives as well.  That is my strongest hope. 

So...here goes...I got married again in August.  Nope, not quite a year since my husbands death.  I was worried about how people would respond to that, but as my wonderful mother pointed out, I fulfilled my part of the marriage vows, "until death do we part".  I was a faithful wife to him until the very end.

Here is what I know...my children are happy, I am happy and "Life is for the living".  Allow yourself to live.

Moving...

Well, I just found out that we are going to be moving.  I went and looked at a house the other day and found out that we were approved to rent it.  There are four bedrooms, two bathrooms and best of all a laundry room.  No more laundry mat for me!!! I'm really excited to be moving but there is a part of me that is wanting to stay here where we lived with Joe.  I know that memories will go with us, but still there is a part of me that wants to cling to the past. 

I prayed for God's will to be done in this situation so I am confident that this is the best move for us.  I can't sit in the past, life must move forward.  I know that God will give me the strength to do what I need to do.  I know this is going to be a big step. This is going to be good for the kids too.  They are really excited about it and that does make it easier.

Time goes so quickly

I was re-reading all my posts on here and just realized it's been 3 months today since Joe went into the hospital.  I am amazed because it just doesn't seem that long ago really that he was here with me.  A lot has changed in three months time. I never thought I would say this but we are really doing okay.  The kids still cry for him once in a while.  Jonny asked me just today when daddy was coming back from heaven but when I told him daddy couldnt come back he didnt' cry this time.  He just went on with his day. 

I feel like we are doing ok and sometimes that bothers me. I feel like maybe we should be more messed up.  Like maybe we aren't sad enough.  But then I remember that "life is for the living" and Joe would want us to live and be happy.  He wouldnt want us to sit around all day every day crying for him.  He was the kind of man who understood that life goes on and he would expect it from us. 



 

Surviving....

I haven't written in a while because I didnt really seem to have anything to say.  This month has been difficult to say the least... November 7th was Madelynn's birthday, November 10th was mine, the 23rd was my anniversary and then there was Thanksgiving and then Melyssa's birthday on the 27th.  My Great Grandma died on the 26th and Melyssa went into the hospital for emergency surgery on the 26th.  I've had a very busy month to say the least!!!   The good news is I made it!! I went through each and every one of those days/events and came out the other side still standing.  Melyssa is still in the hospital but I know that no matter what comes our way we will be fine.

 I made it through a major holiday, birthdays, our anniversary, a death in the family and a hospitalization.  I know now that I can face anything that comes my way!! I dont have to wonder how I will get through something.  I will do it the same way I have done everything else.  With the love and support of my family and friends and with an unending faith in God and the knowledge that he has it all under control!

These were all situations that I have worried about since Joe died. I wondered how on earth I would manage these situations and more.  I now know!  I can do this.  We will survive and thrive!!!

build a bear therapy...

Today I was cleaning my room and found some of Joe's hats.  I gave them to the kids to wear.  Melyssa didn't want one at first but after a few minutes of seeing the other kids with them she decided she did want one.  She took it to the couch and sat down with it and I watched as she sat there and kissed the bill of the hat and then she laid down with it and started crying.  My heart breaks into a million little pieces everytime my kids get upset.  So I decided it was time for some therapy...retail style!! 

When Joe was in the hospital before he passed away the nurse cut us locks of his hair.  I bought little baggies and separated it out for each of us.  We took the baggies to Build-a-Bear in the mall and had our bears made.  When we put the little hearts in the bears we also put the baggies of Joe's hair in them.  Now when the kids (or I) are really missing Joe we can get our bears and give them a squeeze!! I told the kids it's like a daddy bear hug. 

I was kind of worried about how the kids would do with this but it went amazingly well.  The ladies at Build-a-Bear were terrific with the kids.  I explained to them what was going on and they were very sweet to the kids.  We are going to go back later and get clothes and stuff for them, but for now the kids are very happy.  And happy kids means happy mommy!!!!

Jonny named his bear "Joe" and Taylor named hers "papa bear", the other kids didn't name theirs anything to do with daddy but I don't think that matters. What matters is they have something they can hold onto to feel close to daddy when they need to.  When we did the birth certificates, we dated them October 15, 2011.

The hardest thing

Everything about my new life is hard right now.  It's hard to wake up in the morning knowing I'm facing another whole day without Joe.  It's hard to go crawl in bed at night knowing he's not going to be there beside me.  It's hard to go grocery shopping because I want to call him and ask what he wants for dinner.  It's hard to plan for birthdays and holidays because he was so involved in all of that.  It's hard to think of the future because I know that he's not here to enjoy it with me.  It's hard to think about all the plans we had made for our future knowing that it will never happen now. It's hard to think about our kids graduations and weddings because he won't be there to cheer them on or walk them down the aisle.  It's hard to think about our future grandchildren because he will never know them.

It's all hard, but the hardest thing is looking into the eyes of my children when they are sad and crying for their daddy and knowing that there is nothing I can do to fix this for them.  As a parent I feel it's my job to fix things for them.  If they don't feel good, I try to make them feel better. If they break a toy, I try to fix it.  If they get their feelings hurt I snuggle them and try to make them feel better.  But this...nothing I do can fix this, nothing I can do will bring their daddy back.  No amount of hugs and kisses and snuggle time will fix this for them.  Nothing I can do will ease the hurt they are feeling.  And that is the hardest thing ever!

Counting firsts...

I remember when each of my children were born that started a new counting of firsts.  First smile, first time they roll over, first tooth, everytime something happened it went into the baby book of firsts.  It was such an exciting time in life and I loved every first.  But I also dreaded all the firsts because it meant that baby was growing up on me. 

Now its the opposite, I still count every first.  First weekend without him, first time doing bus ministry without him, first holiday, first birthday... But I dread the firsts now and I am glad when they are over because that means I don't ever have to have that first again. 

The month of November is chock full of firsts.  We have three birthdays this month, our anniversary and  Thanksgiving.  Maddie's birthday is first, we are celebrating this weekend.  I'm nervous about it. Just thinking about it sends me into an almost panic. I don't know who it's going to be harder on, Maddie or me.  I'm praying that it is me because I don't want her birthday to be forever marred by this one year.  

My birthday is right after Maddie's and then we have our anniversary, this year would be twelve years that we were married.  Then we have Thanksgiving, we always went to my Grandma's house and Joe ALWAYS carved the turkey.  The weekend after Thanksgiving we always went to St. Louis to spend the weekend with Joe's family at a hotel and celebrate our family Christmas with them.  Then is Melyssa's birthday, which we usually celebrated with Joe's family the weekend after Thanksgiving. 

So far none of the "firsts" have been as bad as I imagined they would be.  I spend a lot of time praying for strength before the firsts happen so I'm sure that is why they haven't been unbearable.  It never ceases to amaze me how faithful God is to hold us up when we ask Him to.  He has never left me to do any of this alone.  If it's giving me peace where there wouldn't be, or just by having someone send me a timely message on facebook or my phone.  I know that some of the people who have contacted me have been used by God because they said exactly what I needed to hear exactly when I needed to hear it.  People I have never met have contacted me and have said things that they couldn't have known were going through my head and then gave me a word of encouragement that I desperately needed.  I thank God for people who let God use them in this way.