Today is my daughter Madelynn's birthday. She is 13 years old and is turning into such a beautiful young lady. I am recalling the day of her birth. Inevitably, I am thinking of her daddy today as well. Is he watching her from heaven and seeing how wonderful she is? I am reminded of how he looked, standing by my head in the seconds after her delivery. I'd never seen him cry before that day. Tears welled in his eyes and rolled down his cheeks as he held out shaky hands to hold his daughter for the first time. Madelynn was Joe's first biological child. As much as he treated Taylor like his own, there is something different about being there at birth and watching your child take her first breath. There is something different, you know that this child truly is yours, bone of your bone, flesh of your flesh. Joe was so proud that day. I had a hard time getting him to hand Maddie over to me. The doctor had handed her straight to Joe and from that moment they had a bond like none I'd ever seen before or since.
We brought Maddie home the day after she was born, she was perfect at 6lb, 0oz. She was smaller than Taylor had been and I was surprisingly nervous with her. Joe had no such issues. He held her, changed her diapers, burped her after she nursed. Changed her clothes and was able to swaddle her in her blankets like he'd been doing it for years. Maddie was a screamer. She would scream for HOURS. Nothing I did calmed her. I walked the floor with her for hours at a time and as soon as Joe walked in and she heard his voice she was instantly calm. He would take her from me and she was suddenly the happiest baby around. Maddie was a daddies girl through and through! From the day that Maddie was born till the day that Joe went into the hospital their bond was unchanged. Maddie would get sick and want daddy, happy and want daddy, sad, scared, mad you name it, she wanted her dad.
I've been thinking about that today. And it makes me sad for Maddie because her daddy isn't here with her. I find myself fighting the feeling of bitterness because of how unfair life has been for my children. I am angry all over again, but so very sad at the same time. It's amazing how many emotions fight for control. And then I hear my Grandma's voice in my head telling me that the emotion that will win is the one that you pay the most attention to. So, I'm going to give heed to my feeling of gratitude. Yeah, in all this mess I still have that.
I am so very grateful that my children had such a good daddy. They didn't have an abusive father. Their daddy loved them so very much and what's more is they knew it. I am grateful for the time they did get with him. I wish they could have had more time, but I know they could very well have had less. I am grateful that my children didn't have to watch their daddy suffer with cancer or a long painful illness. I am grateful that he didn't die due to a drunk driver which would have given them motive to be angry at someone. I have a lot to be grateful for and today those are the things I am going to think about.
Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things. (Philippians 4:8 NIV)
