Titles

How do you refer to yourself after you are widowed?  Do you call yourself his wife, his widow? The survivor?  And how do you refer to him? Your husband, your late husband?  I struggled with what to call myself for a while. I hated the word "widow" and yet I wasn't his wife anymore, that was "till death do us part", so who am I?

I still struggle with what to call him.  My late husband? He was always on time, I was the late one.  ?  Umm NO.  Husband? Well again, that was until death do we part.  EX husband? No! Someone once referred to him that way while speaking to me and I thought I was going to lose it! Or I could call him "the kids' dad" but then it seems like he and I were never married. It is strange the way our minds cling to one thing and turn it into something BIG. 
After four  years, I still call him my husband and then I catch myself and call him "my first husband" and then think that maybe people will think we were divorced, so I then feel the need to explain.  It's hard to know how to refer to him. 

I still hate the word "widow".  When I think of a widow I think of someone who is way older than I am.  I am 37, I should not be a widow yet.