I haven't written in a while because I didnt really seem to have anything to say. This month has been difficult to say the least... November 7th was Madelynn's birthday, November 10th was mine, the 23rd was my anniversary and then there was Thanksgiving and then Melyssa's birthday on the 27th. My Great Grandma died on the 26th and Melyssa went into the hospital for emergency surgery on the 26th. I've had a very busy month to say the least!!! The good news is I made it!! I went through each and every one of those days/events and came out the other side still standing. Melyssa is still in the hospital but I know that no matter what comes our way we will be fine.
I made it through a major holiday, birthdays, our anniversary, a death in the family and a hospitalization. I know now that I can face anything that comes my way!! I dont have to wonder how I will get through something. I will do it the same way I have done everything else. With the love and support of my family and friends and with an unending faith in God and the knowledge that he has it all under control!
These were all situations that I have worried about since Joe died. I wondered how on earth I would manage these situations and more. I now know! I can do this. We will survive and thrive!!!
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
build a bear therapy...
Today I was cleaning my room and found some of Joe's hats. I gave them to the kids to wear. Melyssa didn't want one at first but after a few minutes of seeing the other kids with them she decided she did want one. She took it to the couch and sat down with it and I watched as she sat there and kissed the bill of the hat and then she laid down with it and started crying. My heart breaks into a million little pieces everytime my kids get upset. So I decided it was time for some therapy...retail style!!
When Joe was in the hospital before he passed away the nurse cut us locks of his hair. I bought little baggies and separated it out for each of us. We took the baggies to Build-a-Bear in the mall and had our bears made. When we put the little hearts in the bears we also put the baggies of Joe's hair in them. Now when the kids (or I) are really missing Joe we can get our bears and give them a squeeze!! I told the kids it's like a daddy bear hug.
I was kind of worried about how the kids would do with this but it went amazingly well. The ladies at Build-a-Bear were terrific with the kids. I explained to them what was going on and they were very sweet to the kids. We are going to go back later and get clothes and stuff for them, but for now the kids are very happy. And happy kids means happy mommy!!!!
Jonny named his bear "Joe" and Taylor named hers "papa bear", the other kids didn't name theirs anything to do with daddy but I don't think that matters. What matters is they have something they can hold onto to feel close to daddy when they need to. When we did the birth certificates, we dated them October 15, 2011.
When Joe was in the hospital before he passed away the nurse cut us locks of his hair. I bought little baggies and separated it out for each of us. We took the baggies to Build-a-Bear in the mall and had our bears made. When we put the little hearts in the bears we also put the baggies of Joe's hair in them. Now when the kids (or I) are really missing Joe we can get our bears and give them a squeeze!! I told the kids it's like a daddy bear hug.
Jonny named his bear "Joe" and Taylor named hers "papa bear", the other kids didn't name theirs anything to do with daddy but I don't think that matters. What matters is they have something they can hold onto to feel close to daddy when they need to. When we did the birth certificates, we dated them October 15, 2011.
The hardest thing
Everything about my new life is hard right now. It's hard to wake up in the morning knowing I'm facing another whole day without Joe. It's hard to go crawl in bed at night knowing he's not going to be there beside me. It's hard to go grocery shopping because I want to call him and ask what he wants for dinner. It's hard to plan for birthdays and holidays because he was so involved in all of that. It's hard to think of the future because I know that he's not here to enjoy it with me. It's hard to think about all the plans we had made for our future knowing that it will never happen now. It's hard to think about our kids graduations and weddings because he won't be there to cheer them on or walk them down the aisle. It's hard to think about our future grandchildren because he will never know them.
It's all hard, but the hardest thing is looking into the eyes of my children when they are sad and crying for their daddy and knowing that there is nothing I can do to fix this for them. As a parent I feel it's my job to fix things for them. If they don't feel good, I try to make them feel better. If they break a toy, I try to fix it. If they get their feelings hurt I snuggle them and try to make them feel better. But this...nothing I do can fix this, nothing I can do will bring their daddy back. No amount of hugs and kisses and snuggle time will fix this for them. Nothing I can do will ease the hurt they are feeling. And that is the hardest thing ever!
It's all hard, but the hardest thing is looking into the eyes of my children when they are sad and crying for their daddy and knowing that there is nothing I can do to fix this for them. As a parent I feel it's my job to fix things for them. If they don't feel good, I try to make them feel better. If they break a toy, I try to fix it. If they get their feelings hurt I snuggle them and try to make them feel better. But this...nothing I do can fix this, nothing I can do will bring their daddy back. No amount of hugs and kisses and snuggle time will fix this for them. Nothing I can do will ease the hurt they are feeling. And that is the hardest thing ever!
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
Counting firsts...
I remember when each of my children were born that started a new counting of firsts. First smile, first time they roll over, first tooth, everytime something happened it went into the baby book of firsts. It was such an exciting time in life and I loved every first. But I also dreaded all the firsts because it meant that baby was growing up on me.
Now its the opposite, I still count every first. First weekend without him, first time doing bus ministry without him, first holiday, first birthday... But I dread the firsts now and I am glad when they are over because that means I don't ever have to have that first again.
The month of November is chock full of firsts. We have three birthdays this month, our anniversary and Thanksgiving. Maddie's birthday is first, we are celebrating this weekend. I'm nervous about it. Just thinking about it sends me into an almost panic. I don't know who it's going to be harder on, Maddie or me. I'm praying that it is me because I don't want her birthday to be forever marred by this one year.
My birthday is right after Maddie's and then we have our anniversary, this year would be twelve years that we were married. Then we have Thanksgiving, we always went to my Grandma's house and Joe ALWAYS carved the turkey. The weekend after Thanksgiving we always went to St. Louis to spend the weekend with Joe's family at a hotel and celebrate our family Christmas with them. Then is Melyssa's birthday, which we usually celebrated with Joe's family the weekend after Thanksgiving.
So far none of the "firsts" have been as bad as I imagined they would be. I spend a lot of time praying for strength before the firsts happen so I'm sure that is why they haven't been unbearable. It never ceases to amaze me how faithful God is to hold us up when we ask Him to. He has never left me to do any of this alone. If it's giving me peace where there wouldn't be, or just by having someone send me a timely message on facebook or my phone. I know that some of the people who have contacted me have been used by God because they said exactly what I needed to hear exactly when I needed to hear it. People I have never met have contacted me and have said things that they couldn't have known were going through my head and then gave me a word of encouragement that I desperately needed. I thank God for people who let God use them in this way.
Now its the opposite, I still count every first. First weekend without him, first time doing bus ministry without him, first holiday, first birthday... But I dread the firsts now and I am glad when they are over because that means I don't ever have to have that first again.
The month of November is chock full of firsts. We have three birthdays this month, our anniversary and Thanksgiving. Maddie's birthday is first, we are celebrating this weekend. I'm nervous about it. Just thinking about it sends me into an almost panic. I don't know who it's going to be harder on, Maddie or me. I'm praying that it is me because I don't want her birthday to be forever marred by this one year.
My birthday is right after Maddie's and then we have our anniversary, this year would be twelve years that we were married. Then we have Thanksgiving, we always went to my Grandma's house and Joe ALWAYS carved the turkey. The weekend after Thanksgiving we always went to St. Louis to spend the weekend with Joe's family at a hotel and celebrate our family Christmas with them. Then is Melyssa's birthday, which we usually celebrated with Joe's family the weekend after Thanksgiving.
So far none of the "firsts" have been as bad as I imagined they would be. I spend a lot of time praying for strength before the firsts happen so I'm sure that is why they haven't been unbearable. It never ceases to amaze me how faithful God is to hold us up when we ask Him to. He has never left me to do any of this alone. If it's giving me peace where there wouldn't be, or just by having someone send me a timely message on facebook or my phone. I know that some of the people who have contacted me have been used by God because they said exactly what I needed to hear exactly when I needed to hear it. People I have never met have contacted me and have said things that they couldn't have known were going through my head and then gave me a word of encouragement that I desperately needed. I thank God for people who let God use them in this way.
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