The hardest thing

Everything about my new life is hard right now.  It's hard to wake up in the morning knowing I'm facing another whole day without Joe.  It's hard to go crawl in bed at night knowing he's not going to be there beside me.  It's hard to go grocery shopping because I want to call him and ask what he wants for dinner.  It's hard to plan for birthdays and holidays because he was so involved in all of that.  It's hard to think of the future because I know that he's not here to enjoy it with me.  It's hard to think about all the plans we had made for our future knowing that it will never happen now. It's hard to think about our kids graduations and weddings because he won't be there to cheer them on or walk them down the aisle.  It's hard to think about our future grandchildren because he will never know them.

It's all hard, but the hardest thing is looking into the eyes of my children when they are sad and crying for their daddy and knowing that there is nothing I can do to fix this for them.  As a parent I feel it's my job to fix things for them.  If they don't feel good, I try to make them feel better. If they break a toy, I try to fix it.  If they get their feelings hurt I snuggle them and try to make them feel better.  But this...nothing I do can fix this, nothing I can do will bring their daddy back.  No amount of hugs and kisses and snuggle time will fix this for them.  Nothing I can do will ease the hurt they are feeling.  And that is the hardest thing ever!