I have had feelings of anger for so long now I forgot what it was like to not be angry. I would pray about it and feel a little better but it just wouldn't go away completely. I would have dreams where Joe was yelling at me for moving on. The worst one was at Christmas where I dreamt that we were all sitting around our Christmas tree and there was a knock on the door and it was Joe asking what was going on. He had apparently been away working or something. In my dream it was not like he was dead. He was mad and wanted to be with the kids, wanted to be with me, didn't understand why I was not home and why on earth we were with JW.
Last week was Joe's birthday. He would have been 43 this year. The week leading up to his birthday was a tough one for me and Taylor. The rest of the kids didn't know that his birthday was coming. I didn't point it out because I didnt want to upset them. Taylor and I however, we knew and we spent a lot of time thinking about him and it was just hard. I took a nap one day while the kids were at school and I had a dream about Joe, the first one since the Christmas one. In my dream I never really saw Joe, it was more like I "felt" his presence. He said nothing to me, I said nothing to him. But there was such peace and joy in this presence. I felt a happiness bubbling up inside of me, I felt warmth like the sun shining down on me. All the feelings I felt are hard to describe, but when I woke up I felt like a new woman. I felt like things were finally ok. I haven't cried since that day. I haven't felt like part of me was missing. I haven't been walking around and suddenly felt like I was punched in the stomach when I remembered that he was gone.
I think it was our good-bye. Joe was letting me know that he was at peace and full of joy. He was letting me know that it was okay to be okay. Not just okay for the kids, okay for my family and friends, but a deep down, honest to goodness, OKAY. I didn't cry on his birthday. I thought about him and mentally wished him a happy birthday and that was enough. I didn't feel like I should be doing more. I didn't feel any sadness!!! And that feels more than okay!
LIFE IS FOR THE LIVING!!!!
