Madelynn's birthday

Today is my daughter Madelynn's birthday.  She is 13 years old and is turning into such a beautiful young lady.  I am recalling the day of her birth.  Inevitably, I am thinking of her daddy today as well.  Is he watching her from heaven and seeing how wonderful she is?  I am reminded of how he looked, standing by my head in the seconds after her delivery. I'd never seen him cry before that day.  Tears welled in his eyes and rolled down his cheeks as he held out shaky hands to hold his daughter for the first time.  Madelynn was Joe's first biological child.  As much as he treated Taylor like his own, there is something different about being there at birth and watching your child take her first breath.  There is something different, you know that this child truly is yours, bone of your bone, flesh of your flesh.  Joe was so proud that day.  I had a hard time getting him to hand Maddie over to me.  The doctor had handed her straight to Joe and from that moment they had a bond like none I'd ever seen before or since. 
We brought Maddie home the day after she was born, she was perfect at 6lb, 0oz.  She was smaller than Taylor had been and I was surprisingly nervous with her.  Joe had no such issues.  He held her, changed her diapers, burped her after she nursed.  Changed her clothes and was able to swaddle her in her blankets like he'd been doing it for years.  Maddie was a screamer.  She would scream for HOURS.  Nothing I did calmed her.  I walked the floor with her for hours at a time and as soon as Joe walked in and she heard his voice she was instantly calm.  He would take her from me and she was suddenly the happiest baby around.  Maddie was a daddies girl through and through! From the day that Maddie was born till the day that Joe went into the hospital their bond was unchanged.  Maddie would get sick and want daddy, happy and want daddy, sad, scared, mad you name it, she wanted her dad.

I've been thinking about that today.  And it makes me sad for Maddie because her daddy isn't here with her. I find myself fighting the feeling of bitterness because of how unfair life has been for my children.  I am angry all over again, but so very sad at the same time.  It's amazing how many emotions fight for control.  And  then I hear my Grandma's voice in my head telling me that the emotion that will win is the one that you pay the most attention to.  So, I'm going to give heed to my feeling of gratitude.  Yeah, in all this mess I still have that.

 I am so very grateful that my children had such a good daddy.  They didn't have an abusive father.  Their daddy loved them so very much and what's more is they knew it.  I am grateful for the time they did get with him.  I wish they could have had more time, but I know they could very well have had less.  I am grateful that my children didn't have to watch their daddy suffer with cancer or a long painful illness.  I am grateful that he didn't die due to a drunk driver which would have given them motive to be angry at someone.  I have a lot to be grateful for and today those are the things I am going to think about.

Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things. (Philippians 4:8 NIV)

Sometimes a song says it all...

I love this song.  I've heard it before but never really listened to the words closely. I heard it again last night after a talk with Taylor about Joe. I was telling her that he would want us to know that he was ok.  Sign from above...maybe... I don't know, but it made me feel good.
Wish you were here

Godly Woman Daily: 5 " Finger Prayer " - Author Unknown - This is bea...

I saw this and loved it and just had to share!



Godly Woman Daily: 5 " Finger Prayer " - Author Unknown - This is bea...: 5 " Finger Prayer "  This is beautiful – and it is surely worth making the 5 finger prayer a part of our lives. 1. Your thu...

Anniversary of the day...

 

 

 

 

Meet my children...

This is Taylor.  She is my oldest child, currently a senior in high school. She plans on going to school to be a nurse.  She has been an easy child to raise and I am sure that I have been spoiled by that.  Taylor sings and plays the piano at church for youth services.  I love watching the Lord work in her life.

This is Madelynn.  She is my second child.  She is most like me.  She is a basketball player, loves to read and wears her heart right on her sleeve! Not sure what she is going to be when she grows up but I'm excited to see what the Lord does in her life.

This little girl is Melyssa.  She is my third child. She loves to be active. You can't keep her still very long at all. 

This is Victoria, we call her Tori. She is the fourth girl in our family.  She is hilarious!! I think God gave me her for entertainment!! You just never know what she is going to say!  I could write a book with all the things she says!!!

And this is Jonny.  The baby of the family and the only boy.  He is the sweetest boy I've ever met.  I may be a tad bias though.  He has this momma wrapped around his little finger, and he knows it!!!

 

These are my reasons for going on with life.  My reasons for making the most of every single day. 



 

For this child I prayed; and the LORD hath given me my petition which I asked of him:

1 Samuel 1:27

Two years have passed...

Tomorrow will be two years to the day that Joe made his journey to be with Jesus.  I have had some bad days leading up to this anniversary. September 29th was especially difficult for me, that being the anniversary of his heart attack.  I have kept most of my bad days to myself because I feel that people look at me differently now that I am remarried.  FYI being remarried does not take away the pain of being widowed. I will never not be Joe's widow. 

So...tomorrow is another anniversary and so I am bracing myself for the emotions that are sure to come.  I will spend a lot of tomorrow thinking about Joe and I will be sad for my children; for the time they missed with him.  For the future they didn't get with him.  I will give myself the day to be sad. I wont try to stop the feelings of hurt, sadness and even anger. It is when we put a lid on our emotions that they get stronger and stronger until they are finally pressurized enough to overwhelm us. So I will roll with the emotional tide and know that this too shall pass. 

I don't think of this as planning to have a bad day or planning on being sad, I know that it will happen and I'm not going to pretend otherwise.  There is nothing wrong with grieving.  Even the Bible tells us this "Seeing the crowds, he went up on the mountain, and when he sat down, his disciples came to him. And he opened his mouth and taught them, saying: “Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. “Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.".

So with this knowledge, I can face tomorrow. 

Feeling good again...

I have had feelings of anger for so long now I forgot what it was like to not be angry.  I would pray about it and  feel a little better but it just wouldn't go away completely.  I would have dreams where Joe was yelling at me for moving on. The worst one was at Christmas where I dreamt that we were all sitting around our Christmas tree and there was a knock on the door and it was Joe asking what was going on. He had apparently been away working or something.  In my dream it was not like he was dead.  He was mad and wanted to be with the kids, wanted to be with me, didn't understand why I was not home and why on earth we were with JW. 

Last week was Joe's birthday.  He would have been 43 this year.  The week leading up to his birthday was a tough one for me and Taylor.  The rest of the kids didn't know that his birthday was coming.  I didn't point it out because I didnt want to upset them.  Taylor and I however, we knew and we spent a lot of time thinking about him and it was just hard.  I took a nap one day while the kids were at school and I had a dream about Joe, the first one since the Christmas one.  In my dream I never really saw Joe, it was more like I "felt" his presence.  He said nothing to me, I said nothing to him.  But there was such peace and joy in this presence.  I felt a happiness bubbling up inside of me, I felt warmth like the sun shining down on me.  All the feelings I felt are hard to describe, but when I woke up I felt like a new woman.  I felt like things were finally ok.  I haven't cried since that day.  I haven't felt like part of me was missing.  I haven't been walking around and suddenly felt like I was punched in the stomach when I remembered that he was gone. 

I think it was our good-bye.  Joe was letting me know that he was at peace and full of joy.  He was letting me know that it was okay to be okay.  Not just okay for the kids, okay for my family and friends, but a deep down, honest to goodness, OKAY.  I didn't cry on his birthday. I thought about him and mentally wished him a happy birthday and that was enough.  I didn't feel like I should be doing more.  I didn't feel any sadness!!! And that feels more than okay!

LIFE IS FOR THE LIVING!!!!