One Month Ago

One Month ago today my world was not in pieces.  One month ago today my husband went to church with me for the last time, I told him goodnight for the last time, he kissed me for the last time. I sang him a silly song for the last time. I crawled into bed as gently as I could so I wouldn't wake him for the last time. One month ago today I did a lot of things for the last time, but I didn't know it was the last time.

 I wonder sometimes what would I have done differently if I had known it was the last time.  I think of silly things, like maybe I would have cooked him a nicer dinner, dressed nicer when we were getting ready for church.  Told him I loved him more.  My list could go on and on of things I would have done differently.  I know that we are not ever sure that when we do something that it is not for the last time.  We don't have the promise of tomorrow ever.  So we should live our lives in such a way that if it is the last time we say or do something with someone we don't have regrets.  The rest of your life looks a lot longer when you regret something that you know you will regret for all your days. 

 I can look back on that day and say with certainty that I don't regret anything that happened that day. I was not a nag to Joe that day, I did not get angry over silly stuff. We joked and laughed and sang silly songs to each other. We hugged, kissed and went to sleep. Those are memories I will cherish forever, I never need to regret my last moments with him. I don't have to look back and wish that I had done something differently.  One month ago today, I was a good wife!! 

And somehow, on a small level, that makes it easier to deal with.